Whats gone wrong with the half blood prince ?
by Ed the giant Racoon
Summary: Basically, what would happen if the cliches you find in fanfics somehow ended up in the sixth book. Not a good summary, but there you go.
1. IntroducingHarry!

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince (or is it????)  
  
Alternative title- Harry Potter 6 becomes a clichéd piece of Fan fiction  
  
Harry Potter suddenly sat bolt upright in bed. His muscular body was sweating and his arms and legs hurt from where the Dursleys had hit him and abused him. Despite having been living with the Dursleys for four weeks, where he wasn't fed and he was tortured and he wasn't allowed to see daylight, Harry was in rime physical condition. Over the four weeks of the holidays he had suddenly grown to 5ft 11", he had a healthy, almost glowing, tan (despite the fact it had been raining non-stop since June) and his body was now covered in muscles.

Over the summer, Harry had a lot of free time while waiting for the order to take him away. He'd learned to apparate by himself, to do wandless magic and had become an animagus, a stag like his father. He had also received his Owl results and found that in all subjects except divination (where he had only received an EE) he had got an O and been accepted into all the Newt classes. The results, combined with the fact Fudge had been fired and Arthur Weasley was the new minister for magic (despite knowing nothing about politics and having pretty much no previous experience) made it almost certain he would become an auror.

Harry thought for a moment about Sirius and how much he missed him, then forgot all about him as an owl came soaring in through the window. The owl was soon joined by six other owls, carrying a long package in their beaks. Harry first ripped open the letter. It said:

_Harry_

_I hope this letter reaches you soon, as otherwise we may give you a shock. I first must clear up a few things so as not to confuse anyone reading this story:_

_1. Guess what! Sirius is actually alive and was just hiding behind the veil. Sorry to scare you like that!_

_2. Hermione and Ginny have just arrived at Grimauld place. They have been to stay with Hermione's American cousins over the holiday and have both had makeovers, so don't be shocked when you see them_

_3. I am going to be teaching you again this year as Hermione has developed a Wolfsbane potion that lasts a lifetime. This means once I've taken it, I'll never be harmful as a Werewolf again! (Also, JK Rowling couldn't be bothered to think up a new character)_

_4. As he never does much in the books, Professor Flitwick has resigned and Sirius is going to teach charms._

_5. To provide some love interest for me and Sirius then a new muggle studies teacher will be joining the order and becoming muggle studies teacher. I'm hoping she isn't a Mary Sue, but I'm betting she will be_

_6. Hogwarts will be starting an exchange program and will also be holding a summer ball (as well as an autumn ball, a winter ball, a valentine's ball, a Wednesday ball, a karaoke competition, a coffee morning, a quiz night etc._

_I may have not been able to mention all of the things that are going to happen this year but I am so poor I can't even afford any more parchment._

_See you soon_

_Remus Lupin_

_PS. To say sorry for scaring you, Sirius asked Ron to send you this new broom he invented. Ron has learnt so much new magic this summer that he was able to charm it to fly ten times faster than a firebolt and it is apparently able to fly to the moon_

_PPS. Sorry we left you at privet drive for the Dursleys to abuse you, but it's so more people will sympathize with you later._

_PPPS. We're coming to collect you in about twenty seconds_.

Harry read and re-read the letter; even for someone as intelligent as him it was a lot to take in all at once. He then opened his new broomstick and took a look at it. It had an oak handle and the words Moon Star written down the side in sparkling gold lettering. Harry took one look at it then took out his 'treasured' Firebolt and threw it out the window. Also in the broomstick packaging there were a few other small presents. There were some skiving snackboxes, a new sneakascope and, because Dumbledore had decided that Ron wasn't a very good prefect and had made Harry a prefect instead, a small red and gold badge. Then suddenly he heard a crash downstairs and new the order had arrived to collect him. He shoved a few things in his bag, checked in the mirror to make sure he was still handsome in case Ginny or Hermione had decided to come to collect him with the order, combed his hair and went downstairs.  
  
Disclaimer- If I owned any of this, do you really think I would be writing this crumby story? (Don't answer that, it's a rhetorical question.)  
  
A/N- This is my first fanfic, so if you review please either offer it praise or use constructive criticism. You don't have to review, but it would be nice. Thank you


	2. The new improved? order

A/N- Thank you very, very, very much to all those who reviewed my first story.  
  
Cathy Smith-Fulton- You were my first ever reviewer! I immediately went and read all of your Harry Potter work and I must say I thought it was very funny! I hope you continue to write fanfiction and I also hope that you get to read this chapter. Thanks for the encouragement! (  
  
wOLF8- I totally agree with you. I don't think the American cousin or exchange program or constant Hogwarts parties are very original. That's why I love parodies. It gives you the chance to make fun of them! If I ever write a serious story I will keep the beach ball suggestion in mind. Thanks for reviewing! (  
  
NaughtyTautology- I am a huge fan of your work! I read the new chapter of your Harry Potter/ Big brother parody every day. When I saw you had sent me a review I was amazed! I will take your advice and not leave out slash, but it will probably not get very graphic. Thank you for your wonderful compliments! (  
  
Alice Dodgson- Thanks for all the compliments. They were very encouraging for a first time writer such as me. In answer to your question yes I am going to continue. I really hope you enjoy this chapter! (  
  
Evelle- Thank you for taking up your valuable time to review. I love parodies to, which is why I decided that my first attempt at a piece of fanfiction would be a parody. I hope you find this chapter as funny as the last one. (  
  
To all who reviewed- Thank you very much for encouraging me! If you did review and I have not mentioned you it is not because I don't appreciate the fact that you've taken up valuble time to help me write my next chapter! It's because I haven't got your review by the time I've finished writing chapter 2! If I've missed you out you will be acknowledged in chapter 3.  
  
Sorry for the length of the author notes, I'll do less next time (Probably). Also I may not update on a regular basis, but I will try to.  
  
Disclaimer- I do not own any characters or anything else you recognize. Please don't sue me, I have four goldfish and some stick insects to feed!  
  
Chapter 2- The new 'improved' order  
  
Harry quietly tiptoed downstairs. This was easy for him, because over the summer he had also taught himself to dance better than the dancers in the Russian ballet and was now as graceful as a swan. As he walked down the stairs he saw a group of seven people, all with their wands alight, looking at him. There was Mad-eye moody, Professor Lupin, Sirius, Tonks, Fred, George and a mysterious woman Harry had never met before. However, as Harry looked more closely, he realized that everyone seemed to look different except for Moody and the woman who Harry had never met.

Lupin seemed to look about ten or fifteen years younger and no longer had grey steaks in his hair, though so people will feel sorry for him he is still wearing shabby robes. Sirius no longer looked thin and wasted, or like he had ever spent any time in Azkaban. He now seemed to have a permanently happy look on his face that Harry could tell was real. Tonks no longer had pink or purple or orange or fluorescent yellow hair. She now had long black hair and warm black eyes and looked like a younger, female version of Sirius. Fred and George were dressed in their dragon skin jackets, along with identical T-shirts and trousers which probably cost more Harry's Firebolt did. They also had enough gold necklaces, bracelets and rings to gold leaf the Taj Mahal.

Harry wondered briefly why Mad-eye had not changed, then turned his attention to the other woman. She was of a perfect height and weight, with long/short, straight/wavy/curly, blond/brown/black/red hair and icy blue/baby blue/emerald green/amber brown/chocolate brown/ebony black eyes. Harry recognized her description from one of the many books he had read over the summer. She was an American by the name of Henrietta Josephine Carmelita Esmé Marietta D'Answick or, as she was more commonly known, Adult Mary Sue. Harry remembered the book saying she was a relative of Merlin, Salazar Slytherin, Godric Gryffindor, Rowena Ravenclaw, Helga Hupplepuff and Albus Dumbledore and that she had also invented thousands of spells and potions, including the Wolfsbane potion.

Harry was just remembering all this when Moody spoke. "Stop dawdling and hurry up boy, we haven't got all day!" "I'm sorry I'm taking so long, professor, but I was just wondering why everyone seems to have changed and why Sirius has been allowed out of Grimmauld place and several other things I won't voice because nobody except me will care what the answer is." said Harry, who was running out of breath because of the lack of places to pause.

"Well Harry" said Lupin pleasantly (as that is the only way it seems that he is able to say anything) "Sirius is out of the house because he has been given a full pardon. Everyone of course is very forgiving so everyone now respects him again. I look about twenty years younger because as I'm a werewolf I age slower than everyone else, and for some reason I've decided not to take aging potion anymore. It also means it will seem more respectable and less really, really strange for me to have a relationship with Hermione or Tonks or Ginny or whoever comes to mind first."

"I look all happy and well fed because I have all the things I need in live at the moment and I just know it will stay that way forever (possibly)" said Sirius, beaming at Harry.

"I don't have cool spiked hair anymore because I've always looked up to Sirius and he's my idol, despite never seeing him for more than half of my life. I want to be just like him, even though he's been convicted of murder and spent 12 years in Azkaban. So I've made myself look like a female version of him." said Tonks before tripping over something for the reader's amusement.

"Our business has been booming" said Fred. "So we decided to go and blow all of our money on expensive clothing. We should have thought about buying a house or something instead, but now it means we can stay with all of you at Grimmauld place again, so we can provide some comic relief!"

"We'll also be going with you to stay at Hogwarts for no apparent reason!" added George excitedly.

"Okay," said Harry, a little confused. "But if everyone else is feeling and looking better why haven't you changed Professor Moody?"

Moody replied "Not that it's really any of your business but I don't really have enough fans out there for JK to bother changing my character." At this Moody broke down into uncontrollable sobs and disappeared, not to return until later in the story.

"He did get a bit touchier over the summer as no one is talking to him very much anymore" said Lupin pleasantly. "He just can't accept that the book where he was important has come and gone. Anyway, I'd like to introduce you to your new muggle studies teacher, Professor D'Answick."

"But I don't do muggle studies!" argued Harry. "For the purposes of this book, you do," said professor Lupin pleasantly. "I expect you Ron and Hermione to be welcoming to her." Harry noticed that Lupin, Sirius and the twins had not taken their eyes off Professor D'Answick for some time. Scowling, he grabbed Sirius' arm and dragged him upstairs to help him pack. When they came down again they found Lupin writing something with Tonks' help and the twins boasting to Mary S- Professor D'Answick. While Sirius rushed of to tell her about the Marauders antics at school, Harry went to see what Lupin was writing. It was a letter to the Dursleys telling them where Harry had gone.

"What's the point in wasting good parchment?" he asked Lupin. "I go to the same place every year."

Lupin considered this, then cleaned the parchment and shoved it back into the pocket of his shabby robes. He then gathered everyone together and they apparated to the headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix.


	3. Back with Black

A/N- Don't talk, listen. Right, I'm very sorry for not updating but my... computer got trodden on by a...... a large preying mantis, which then proceeded to eat my other computer and destroy all of my friends' computers with... lasers from its eyes. That is why this story has not been updated. Coughs suspiciously. Fine, I guess you're harder to fool than my science teacher. I mean, I haven't updated for THREE MONTHS! The real reason I have not updated is drum roll I am LAZY! I can't be bothered to do ANYTHING. Last year I handed in about three pieces of homework. It is not purely because I'm lazy though. I have a 9 and a half hour school day, not including clubs and piano lessons, and homework... This may seem like a short day to some of you, but for eleven years, until I started high school, my day was about seven hours long. It takes years to get used to the time difference. But, now I shall make time for writing. But only for reviews. I'm lazy AND greedy.

PS- Thank you to all those who reviewed and persuaded me to write more. This is for you.

Disclaimer- I don't own anything blah blah blah.

Back with Black

They arrived in a spare bedroom at Grimmauld place. As apparating always makes everybody feel dizzy and ill, everybody stumbled around the room aimlessly for a few minutes, trying to regain their balance. Because it was 'safer', Sirius had done a double apparition with Professor Mary-Sue. This involved them both intimately embracing and apparating together at the same time. 'Just to make sure you're safe,' said Sirius, who was now not very eager to let go. Fred and George gladly marched towards him and dragged him away. Just as everyone had once again regained their balance, Molly Weasley walked in. She seemed a lot fatter than Harry remembered her, but that was probably because she had nothing to do in fanfics except to fuss over him and shout at Ron. She ran, or rather waddled over as fast as she could, to hug Harry, ignoring Tonks, who seemed to have passed out from the exhaustion and stress of being an auror, and member of the Order, and a member of a karate club (because you can always kick your way out of being captured by ten deatheaters with wands pointed at you), and simultaneously dating Kingsley, George, Snape and Lupin.

'Harry my itsy bitsy dearest little boy!' Mrs. Weasley cooed, giving Harry a big hug. 'How are you?'

'Um, OK I guess' replied Harry, pushing Mrs. Weasley off of him. Unfortunately, she fell over onto her back and was unable to get up again. Relieved, Harry told the other Order members not to help her up again. Harry took her wand away and they left the room, locking and bolting the door behind them so Molly couldn't get out.

As the other order members walked downstairs, Lupin and Sirius stopped and turned to face Harry.

'What's wrong?' asked Lupin pleasantly. 'You haven't seemed very happy to be back here.'

'I hate this place,' mumbled Harry. 'I still haven't got over Sirius' death, and being back here reminds me of all the good times we shared.'

'Harry, I understand. Losing Sirius was hard for all of us. Especially me, him being my mate and all. And Tonks, him being her favourite cousin. And Kingsley, now Sirius' name is clear he has nothing to do at the ministry. Actually, what gives you the right to be so upset? You've only known he existed for three years! And for about a third of that time you thought he was a murderer,' shouted Lupin pleasantly.

'Plus the fact I'm NOT ACTUALLY DEAD' said Sirius.

'Shut up, we're trying to mourn here,' said Harry.

'Whatever,' muttered Sirius, walking away.

'Anyway, why don't you just stop being so selfish and get over it. We all felt sorry for you for a while, but now it just seems babyish,' said Lupin pleasantly. 'I mean, all the papers believe you, you've got friends, and a ton of cash, and you've even got me as a father figure. And I'll tell you what, here's some chocolate as well.'

Harry immediately stopped sulking, and wondered why Lupin was carrying several bars of chocolate round with him. In his third year, he had only offered Harry chocolate about three times, and only as a cure after facing a dementor.

Lupin, sensing Harry's unasked question (he has 'werewolf senses') answered, 'Apparently now I'm obsessed with chocolate, so I always have something to comfort Tonks, or Hermione, or Ginny, or Professor McGonagall, or Kingsley, or Fred or whoever with. Or even you Harry, as I'm doing right now.'

Lupin gave him a strange wink, and Harry slowly backed away from him and ran off to find Ron and Hermione. He found that Grimmauld Place seemed to have grown a lot since he was last there. It was at least as big as a castle now. Harry passed a swimming pool, a gym and a ballroom on his way to Ron's room, and out the window he saw a full sized Quidditch pitch in the back garden. Harry wondered how it got there, but at that very moment he ran into a tall red-headed man.

'Sorry, wasn't look- Ron!!'

In Harry's absence, Ron had grown. In the last month or so he had grown more muscles than Harry and was now at least half a foot taller than him. When he spoke, his voice was a lot deeper.

'Hiya Harry! Just to make sure I don't start to think more of myself I only get to say fifty words a chapter maximum. And I've just wasted half of them. I'd just better warn you though, DO NOT scream when you see Hermione and Ginny. You'll regret it.'

Harry acknowledged the warning of his still-goofy sidekick and proceeded cautiously. He rounded a corner and screamed.

A/N- I don't know how long it will be before I update.


	4. Please use Colloportus

A/N- See what I mean by 'Lazy'? It's been over five months since I last updated this. But I'll try to update more regularly. I need the writing practice, I've got exams soon. And I've got another week off school. So, if you enjoy this, feel free to send a review to keep my spirits up. You know you want to. And, of course, thank you to everyone who has reviewed so far. You make the days seem so much brighter

Disclaimer- In the last five months I have been working very hard on trying to gain possession of the rights to the Harry Potter books, but I am so far failing. Maybe I'll have them by next time I update…

The great blessing that is colloportus

Harry screamed and screamed and screamed like a little girl.

'Oh. My. God!' shouted Harry. 'Ron! Lupin! Ghost of Sirius! Somebody help me!'

'Calm down Harry darling. It's only us.'

'Who the hell is 'us'?' screamed Harry, covering his face with his arms and slowly backing away from the two creatures in front of him. 'I've never seen you before in my life! Back, evil demons!'

As he said this, the two things jumped at him and started slapping him and pulling his hair out. Harry tried fending them off, but even his giant muscles or exceptional magical powers could not manage to get them away from him.

The creatures in front of him were, in fact, two girls. One had beautiful, perfectly straight, glossy, and generally quite amazing dark brown hair that fell down to her waist. She had nutmeg and chocolate and amber and caramel and toffee and any other food you can think of colored eyes, straight pearly white teeth and a figure to die for. She was wearing a miniskirt that barely got past her waist, and a very, very low cut white top. She looked like some kind of angel who was trying as hard as possible to show off her cleavage. The other was almost the complete opposite. She had fiery red hair, with black streaks running through it and dark purple eyes. She had enough mascara on to fill the great hall, as well as black lipstick. She was, like the other girl, wearing a miniskirt and very low cut top, though this time in black. Harry could only think that they were monsters from another world, like the elves that visited him at Privet Drive in the summer claiming they were from 'middle earth'.

As Harry whimpered in a corner, the girls still attacking him, Professor Lupin came sprinting towards them, wand raised.

'Oh, it's only them,' he sighed pleasantly. 'I thought Voldemort was attacking or something. Didn't Ron warn you about not insulting them?'

'He said not to scream, not about-' Harry was cut off by one of the girls scratching his face off.

'Hermione, Ginny, Draco is here to see you.'

'YAY, Draco!' the girls screamed, and ran off to fight over the newly renamed 'Slytherin sex god' (despite no evidence that anybody in the canon world has ever shown any attraction towards him)

'Thank God you arrived when you did Professor. I thought I was going to die.'

'I fear that if I had been any later you would have. Voldemort is nothing compared to some of the creatures you will meet this year. Now it is time for a big long paragraph or two to explain the rest of the story to our less intelligent readers.'

'Can we please find some chairs to sit in then?'

'Yes, we'll go into one of the 26 rooms in headquarters with no purpose. When Hermione and Ginny realize there is no Draco, they'll be back for my blood.'

So, they went into one of the rooms, and began a long speech about the future.

'Harry, this year is going to be your toughest yet. Instead of one major event at Halloween, and one sometime in June, Voldemort will pop up ALL THE TIME. You will end up doing about three actual lessons, lots of time will be spent in the library, even more time will be spent taunting and/or having private tutoring lessons with any one of a number of people and any time you have left will be spent going back in time, fighting death eaters and satisfying all the fangirls. You will also encounter various evil magical creatures. First up, the Maryus Sueus or Mary Sue. You've already met Professor D'Answick, Mary Sue Hermione and Mary Sue Ginny. You will meet lots more. Actually, Mary Sue Hermione will tend to change from being a Mary Sue to being a pompous know it all, and vice versa. People tend to think that it makes it more realistic if Hermione makes at least four references to 'Hogwarts: a History' throughout the course of the story. There is also the threat that is Draco Malfoy.'

Suddenly, Harry heard a rumbling above his head.

'Uhh, professor?' he said. 'I think the Mary Sues heard you.'

'Don't worry, unless Hermione changes into clever clogs Hermione then they won't find us. They may be beautiful and stuff, but they haven't got half a brain cell between them.'

'Anyway, what were you saying about Draco Malfoy? That horrible, evil, snobbish, totally hot little sex god?'

Lupin looked at Harry strangely for a minute, and then realized it was inevitable that at some point one of the characters would have to say that. 'Yes, Draco Malfoy. The fangirls want you to end up with him. It is likely that you will end up with him. This is a universe where slash rules all. Do not underestimate it. Beware of the author and the fangirls. They will crush your spirit and destroy your schedule. Finally, beware when you hear loud groans or crashes coming from various rooms in this fanfiction.'

'Why, is Voldemort in them causing havoc?'

'Perhaps. Just stay clear of them and I'll tell you what's actually happening when you're older. And drunk. Remember, round here every character is as randy as hell,' Lupin finished his speech pleasantly, and smiled pleasantly. Harry decided to go to his room and be angsty for a few hours, while Lupin went to check that the twins weren't playing the 'triangle game' with Professor D'Answick again. He really thought there was two much twincest for just one house.

A few hours later, when he had defeated Voldemort, won three Oscars and won the Quidditch world cup, Harry decided to go for a walk to see if he could unearth the lost treasure of Black family that Sirius had secretly told him about before he died and was hidden beneath the floorboards on the first floor. He heard grunts and bangs coming from one of the rooms and, so there isn't the long and boring revelation later in fic in the form of a serious conversation, he ignored Lupin's advice and walked right in. This was quickly followed by him walking right out again.

'We're sorry Harry!' shouted Hermione.

'We really didn't mean for you to find out this way!' shouted Lupin pleasantly.

Harry wondered briefly where and when the sanity disappeared, when he chanced upon another room with crashes and other strange noises coming from it. Thinking that this time it must be Voldemort killing people, he again wandered in then quickly backed out again.

'I'm sorry Harry,' shouted Tonks.

'We really didn't want you to find out this way either, but the author couldn't be bothered to think of a different way for you to find out,' shouted Ron, as Harry quickly ran away to be sick, and accept another Oscar. As he passed an elaborate bathroom that had defiantly not been there a chapter ago, he heard more odd noises coming from the 'forbidden wing' which had dropped out of the sky and onto the side of Grimmauld place about three minutes beforehand. He was ready to ignore it; he wasn't stupid enough to fall for it a third time. But even as he got ready to walk in the opposite direction, he heard Voldemort's voice, and Dumbledore's girlish screams of terror.

'Now I've got you Dumbledore!' Voldemort shouted, as Dumbledore squeaked.

'NNNNNNNOOOOOOOO!' bellowed Harry as he dived into the room wand raised. 'I'll save y- AHHH! MY EYES! DOESN'T ANYONE ROUND HERE KNOW HOW TO LOCK A DOOR!' Harry stumbled around the room with him hands covering his eyes, trying to find the exit.

'Harry, it's not what it looks like!'

'Oh yeah? So it's not Albus Dumbledore naked and on all fours whilst Voldemort stands over him dressed in leather and holding a whip, in some sort of perverted sexual game?'

'Well, I guess it's exactly what it looks like then.'

Harry finally found the exit, and uncovered his now tainted eyes. He would never, ever enter a room again without consulting someone else first. Though, as he rounded a corner, he discovered that some residents of Grimmauld place didn't even feel the need to shut themselves in a room.

'Ginny! What would your mother say about this! And Sirius, aren't you supposed to be dead?'

A/N- I've said it before, and I'll say it again; you don't HAVE to review, but it would cheer me up. I trod on my own foot yesterday and my big toenail came off.


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